His Grace Abounds

Finally it's time for an update.  I've waited a while to update on purpose because I wanted it to be real and to really have my thoughts together, so here goes...well everything!  We spent a few months here last year and had such a great time.  We hit the ground running, our schedule was so crazy, we had family and friends visit and work for most of our time last summer, and this time has been different. I am going to warn you, this is not my pity party, this is me being real, vulnerable, moldable, and teachable. 

God gave me the name for this blog "refined by design", for a very real reason.  He knew better than anyone else that this journey was going to take me to places I have never been before, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  He knew the areas in my life that would be refined according to HIS design for my life. He knew areas I would struggle, and areas that I would excel.  He knew the areas where I would need him most and the areas that I was going to try and "handle" on my own.  He knew every challenge I would face.

We got here the first of March, so going on two months.  We have experienced weather and snow days like I have never experienced before! The challenges of moving and settling for the millionth time, homeschooling, the fun of the first few months of pregnancy, feeling homesick, and just being in a new place takes some time to adjust. With the weather, we haven't been able to do all of what we have wanted to ministry wise, so this time has been more of a slow go.  Last summer, Leah and I flew in and the next day Camp started, there was no time to adjust it was just all in.  So it caught me by surprise when there were weeks where we were snowed in for days at a time.  I had a plan when we moved that it would be so much easier to keep to a schedule, finish school earlier in the year, accomplish my to do list, actually DO a few pintrest projects, read, have a solid quiet time, organize, plan, reach goals.  After all, we can't run out and kill time window shopping or lunch dates, or play dates, and we don't have a schedule packed with social stuff, we can just be home and accomplish things here. But also to my surprise, I was really sick (still getting sick some days) with this pregnancy.  All I wanted was to lay down and keep my lunch in...too much? haha!  I was tired.  I was annoyed. I was discouraged.  I wasn't accomplishing anything. "No one will know if the dishes aren't done, no one will see that I've been in bed all day...so I'll just be here if you need me." was my line of thinking.  Honestly, I allowed myself to believe the lies I was hearing.  "It won't matter, Amanda." But when I noticed my thinking, I quickly realized I wasn't in a good place. I wanted to physically feel like myself again, I wanted to have energy, I wanted to get the things done that I wanted to.  It wasn't the to-do list that I wanted to 'do well' on, that's just what it translated to.

I love the Lord, truly.  I know that this is a time of growth, and all I wanted to do is dwell in my woes, and just "be".  And the things in my heart that I knew were finally starting to overwhelm my flesh...because I let them.  I decided that I wasn't going to dwell in the fact that I am here missing my family, missing my best friends having their first baby, getting engaged, and seeing all my nieces and nephews grow.  I am here to flourish!  You may be like whoa...she sounds like she is weak.  Well then you would be completely correct!  I am weak, and through my weakness I have experienced grace, growth, strength.  I understand that we are called here for ministry, to be used mightily for God's kingdom, but I didn't know that I was one of His biggest ministries. By that I mean, I had no idea I would be the one being poured into.  Not by others, but by Him, by my husband, by my kids. I was the one being taught. I was the one being held up. I was the one being freed.

I have a friend, Suzanne, that posted in her blog recently about freedom. I feel we are in similar places in life. Parenting is hard, pregnancy is hard, sitting still is hard, homeschooling is hard, ministry is hard, waiting is hard, but I know in my heart that when we are faced with new challenges GRACE ABOUNDS ABUNDANTLY!  To be honest with you, our biggest ministry thus far has been ourselves. And through that God allows us to be beacons of light in a dark and dying world. He allows us opportunities to share His mercy, grace, and love. If I could do this life on my own, I wouldn't need grace. But I can't, why would I want to?  When God is pouring out abundant grace?  Please understand when I say this...I hope in areas of my life, I am always weak. I am always seeking direction, and guidance, and that I am always dependent on Him. We live in a world that is claiming to be self sufficient.  Well so far it's not going so well, if you haven't noticed.  We are in need of a Savior. We are in need of His wisdom, and so in need of His grace. 

Yes, I will have blah days, I will be discouraged at times, but I have to know in my heart and believe above any circumstance that in Him I am strong, and I am being refined in a beautiful way.  In all my shortcomings, He is real and alive, and active in my life.  In all my failures, He is stronger.  Over all my fear, He has overcome.  Over my flesh, I am made new. He is so worthy, and I am humbled by His love and patience for me. I am thankful He sees WHO I am, not what I do. I am giddy over His passion for me and His people.

Leaning and learning,

Amanda